Antardwand - Dialogue within

फिल्म मेकर हूँ, फिल्मों का निर्माता

फिल्मों से जीवन दर्शाता

कॉलेज में प्यार करे, उन जोड़ो को मिलवाता

कभी माँ मरी हो किसी की, उस बेटे को इंसाफ़ दिलाता

हर इंसान के अंदर का, देखो मैं हीरो दिखाता,

तू सपनो में रहने वाले, जीवन सच से क्या हैं नाता

वो खा रहे पैसे सारे, भूका नंगा यहाँ बिलबिलता

हो रहे यहा क़त्ल-ए-आम, तू विदेश में गाने गाता

चुप बैठ कर देख रहा तू, तेरे बाप का क्या हैं जाता,

हैं दम फ़िल्मो से जगा जोश, शिव टांडव हो, दुर्गा हो चंडी,

वरना झूठ बोल रहा तू पाखंडी, इस रंगमंच का तू शिकंडी

एक पेड़ हुआ करता था यहा पर

एक पेड़ हुआ करता था यहा पर

डाली डाली क़िस्सा था,

हर पत्ता किरदार था

सर्द गरम या हो बारिश

हर चर्चा मज़ेदार था

कभी डाली रोती पत्तो के आँसू

और यूँ पतझड़ आ जाता था

हर टहनी जब खिल कर हस्ती

मानो बसंत छा जाता था

देखे उसने कई ज़माने

हर दशक का दर्शक था

माटी ईंट और पत्थर

अब सिमेंट का जंगल था

जिसको दी थी उसने छाया

आज वो इसका भक्षक था

अब रहा ना वो पेड़ यहा पर

अब तो वो सिर्फ़ लकड़ा था

जिस पर बैठा इंसान हैं

उस कुर्सी का हिस्सा था

एक पेड़ हुआ करता था यहा पर

डाली डाली क़िस्सा था...

Blast from the Past continues

More blast from the past. I had this urge for creative musings some 10 years back when i was in my 3rd week stay in USA.
It is not at all relevant or significance or will not even make a change in your life. No divine luck will dawn upon you. Neither you will attain salvation reading this. Having eloquently desribed the purpose of it above. Please read on.
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Hi folks,

Its been long time since I wrote..what rot..wrote,kapda aur makaan, but I was really very busy...there comes all the brickbats... but I did miss you all... what no bouquets... oh you caught me this time... howzzat !! thought for writing for so long but when I now sit down to write..I am lost..know not what to write...but phir bhi, read on...

Life in Raleigh, that cannot be describe in one word..

People do ask me how do I feel in america.. (yeah, I am a celebrity..I do miss my fans and I dont have a fan in my home..) well, I do not know about that, its a mix bag.. at times, the feeling is exhilarating and at times frustrating, so nothing has changed, except for the ambience, I mean, the surroundings are different, from India to US but goals and work has not changed, I am still working hard, though its really hard to work at times,  I still sleep at odd hours, and during even hours, oh..forget it...

I am scared at times for I cannot foresee the future, what it holds, and I am optimistic at times, that whatever it holds, it holds for good. I get apprehensive and pensive with no funding and aid...but I am ecstatic at least I dont have AIDS... I feel nostalgic and home sick at times..but then remember the times when I used to feel sick at home.. I feel isolated with my best friends not around and I miss them all but then there are times when I feel lucky that I can give some of the people a miss.. I get nightmares that everything is gonna fall apart but I dream that world is gonna be a better place..(altruism,nah..just plain me ...)

So this is really me, I am an ABCD, american based confused desi and I was no better in india where I was a NRI,not required indian, so what has changed, the change is gradual, I am realising my responsibilities, and also realising how to avoid them... though it may take some time to change my perspective... the truth I am not at the center of the world and world does not revolve around me is a revelation... but the Narcissus within me is still alive..no wonder I have so many mirrors in my house...

Life is cold and warm at the same time, its funny and tragic, caring and supporting but also a strict task master... may be life contradicts itself.. even I feel contradiction is my best friend.. its always like these, if there is a Yin then Yang will be somewhere nearby.. a day always follow the night.. good times are right behind the bad.. may be there is Hope, tomorrow is another day !!

If you understood what I wrote please explain it to me, for I could not,  I just wrote, Dil Se..

A little bit of Zen, a little bit of sin

Again, blast from the past...few thoughts on Asoka (2001). This was written in November, 2001. The title comes from the quote used by Santosh Sivan, director of Asoka.

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Much has been said about asoka. Its been panned to glory. The movie most of us love to hate. I too have my 2 cents on this movie.

Asoka, the movie is an experience. Its been bad for many and some of us have enjoyed it. I fall in the later category. I agree with the makers that Asoka the movie is "a little bit of zen and a little bit of sin". India knows who was Ashoka, the emperor. He was the brightest star in indian history. Asoka, the movie does not give a damn about the obvious instead it dwelves into asoka,the man. The man before destiny made him ashoka, the great. Here lies the greatness and the pitfall of the movie. It tries to understand the psyche of the neglected son of Bindusara who adores his mother. Who wants that his mother gets her due as the wife of bindusara and not his dasi. (watch for Asoka's expression when the king does not reward him after his triumph of Takshila)

One of the key scene is when a Buddhist monk tells Asoka that his destiny transcends that of an emperor. His destiny is that of a traveller when he completes his journey. Here is the soul of the movie. It tries to follow the journey of Asoka who does not know where he is heading. And if you dont know where are you heading, no direction is wrong.

What made Asoka transform into how we now him is the crux of the movie. He lost the love of his mother and the girl he loved (this is where folk stories come into picture). How many of us when we lose the things we love react, we become cynical and either we become depressed or we become angry. Asoka was a warrior,he chose to become angry. He became avenging and scheming king who did not fear death. (Another thing that i like were the dialogues instead of monologues, they were short, sweet and simple). Killing his brothers he says "Can i be allowed to be the king now?", a touch of sarcasm, a macabre humor.

The highlight of the movie is the post-war scene when Asoka is looking for Kaurwaki, its a magic scene. Its twilight and sun and the moon and the stars shining, as if nature is looking forward to the history that is being created. Asoka sees the death, the gory, the sadness and he sees Love, he sees Kaurwaki and dead Arya. Life comes full circle, the journey is completed. Asoka is a changed man. Movie ends, History begins.

Yuhin Chala chal

I had penned the following sometime in 2008. Reproduced in 2010. Hope you would like it.

तू परवाज़ भर, परवाह ना कर

अंबर पर चल, गिरने से ना डर

पाएगा ज़मीन गिरकर भी अगर

बन जा वो ज़ररा तू फलक से उपर

काँटे की वफ़ा, फूलों का दगा,

राहों पर ना कर इसकी परवाह,

चलता ही चल, रुकना ना ज़रा,

तू खुद को खुद का यार बना

मिल जाएँगे तुझे हसीन मंज़र

जो ढूंढेगा उनको अपने अंदर,

रोता हैं क्या, बैठा हैं क्यूँ

चल फिर से उठ और जी जान लगा

पूछेगा तुझे एक दिन वो खुदा

हो जाएगा जब दुनिया से जुदा

पाया हैं क्या खोया हैं क्या

कैसा रहा सफ़र तेरा

मक़सद तेरा वो पूरा हुआ

जो कर गुज़ारा जो करने चला

- विशेष अग्रवाल

My first post at PFC

Yipee! I got my first post at PassionForCinema published. Its such a great high.
You can read it at
http://passionforcinema.com/heartbreaking-account-of-the-journey-of-lifetime/

I recommend that you read it at PFC. There are many better posts than this one. You won't be disappointed. But again, I am reproducing over here with some minor changes (I am embedding the video instead of giving the  link)

Thanks,

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Heartbreaking account of the journey of lifetime

This post was long due. Seriously. I had been on a trip. Without Ecstasy or LSD.  Before you start thinking of directing me to some Anonymous group, allow me to explain what I have been upto.

Or lets do it my way. Flash back to December 2008. On a tiny corner of the last page of Ahmedabad Times I see this Ad. It begged to stay inconspicuous (that's the only grudge I have  with the Ad). Luck by Chance, my Lady Luck aka my Taani parnter aka my lovely wife Tina (There Is No Alternative..well thats a story for some other time :-)) saw it. So did I eventually. I was excited. Now, this Ad was not like those that had some Fraanship Clubs which are out to fleece imbecile guys on testosterone overdose. Hook(er), Line and Single and ultimately Sinker. This was different. 

I called up the number they had provided, asked for the details, gave mine in return. The voice on the other side promised me to reply on the mail-ji. Pleased with the response, I waited. Never before I would refresh Mail-G client so frequently. Don't know that pissed off Google or what, I got no reply that day. The night was long (duh, it was winter) which did not matter as I slept peacefully. 

The next morning, Bhor bhai, Panchi Jaage aur Jaag Utha Insaan. I called the number again just to confirm whether they had got my right email ID or some body else was benefitting on my behalf. My doubts were unfounded as the details were right there on top of my mail box. It co-incided with my state of my mind. I was on top. Top of the world, you sneaky perverts. Get out. Now came the part which had to come. Should I take the pluncge or should I not. No rose petals nipped, no coins to be tossed. It was a simple problem of analyzing the probability using the Gausian curve and then eliminating the choice which I never wanted to take at first place.  The answer was right there. Its the question that drives us crazy, my friend Neo would feel. In neo-Bodhi Gaya enlightening moment, I said: Yes, I can. 

With the details in my hand, I felt like a man. Baba, with other stuff also I have felt like a man. But this one is for family reading so no Dada Kondke baazi here. I met him and paid the amount. The man was portly but had tons of energy. We got talking till the next prospective and petite young thing came by. I took leave and also some gyaan on that day.

The D-day came. January 20th,2009. I was waiting for PYT. She never showed up. I felt like I was dumped. I called my wife. She promised to stick around with me still. That was close. Luckily, that man did show up. That man, He is Mr Pankaj Roy. He was meant to be our course co-ordinator. Yes, Mere dost, I had joined a course on film-making. Courtesy Institute of Moving Images. The course was short-term also suitable for people who were like in Ghajini mode lest they forget why they were here. 

Day 1 was introduction also it was the day of introspection. Why am I here? I was asked so were others. It was not meant to question whether we made a mistake being there or regret shelling out nine grand. It was meant to know what your true calling was. Like my friend Neo said, Its the question that drives us crazy. I mumbled some words. Words that I felt and meant. 

What followed in this journey for the next 11 days (spread across 6 weeks) was nothing short of magical. ThodaPyaar, Thoda Magic. Love fostered at home. Magic and learning happened in class rooms. The classes began at 5:30 in the evening and lasted till almost midnight, way beyond their end time of 9 PM. One madness survived the other. Marriage and Movie making. We talked, discussed, ranted about ideas and concepts and plots and scripts. There was training on know-how about the Camera and angles, image size. Hands-on experience with camera. We learnt about scripts, different stages of script writing. About direction and production, about planning and editing and then some.  

But I learnt something way beyond that. I learnt discipline, I discovered myself. I learned that hamari filmo ki tarah hamari life mein bhi dukaandaari nahi honi chahiye. You have to have passion in life. Passionate about movies. Passionate about everything you do. You have to give unconditionally to a movie, to life and then let magic take over. Jaadu wahi jo sir chhad kar bole.

Pankaj Sir, hats off to you Dada, you changed so many lives. you took classes for 7 hours continuously without getting tired or showing any signs of exhaustion. He enthralled us, entertained us and yes, we learnt along the way. Learning was never so much fun.

I made few movies during the course and in the course of making another one. Will leave you one of my short that I made as part of the course work. The assignment was to make a 3-minute observational movie which depicts an activity from start to end. I talk to a street side painter and took lot of convincing for him to star and paint a sketch on camera.

By the way, there was nothing like heart breaking actually. Or there was. When the classes ended. The journey came to an end. For me, it just had begun.

The seamstress

A veil of the beauty, the cloth had hubris,
With the cursed wind the fortress breached,
Scarred by the evil eye, the beauty laid,
She took respite in the raging blade,
One drop at a time, the shine is replaced.
One tear at a time, the cloth disgraced.

The cloth is weary and torn in grief
The blood, sharpened by knife, is relieved
One stain at a time she washes
One sin at a time she cleanses

One stitch at a time, the seamstress weaves
One wound at a time, she heals

Half Life

The day I was born, the night sang four songs.
Of life, of love, of joy and mourn,
In two I slept and two I remember
Life was about sorrow, pain and anger

The cup half filled with grief and misery
The other half, I never knew the mystery
Years turned into wrinkles on the face
I wishfully inching towards my grave
Hollow promises that I could not keep
A ray of hope is all I seek

Then came the night in my slumber,
I heard about love and its wonder,
Soon life found its unshackled mirth,
Its a new half-life for all its worth.

The Abyss

The abyss is so crowded
No more can the spirit fall
In the light of the moon
The shadow of the vulture
Man has become
What he ought to destroy
Angels stoop and cry despair
Wings are broken not to restore
The flight to glory a distant dream
Eyes that saw are lying asleep

Random seed

A plant in a pot finding its roots,
I will grow, will I bloom ?
Cherish for the soil of my land,
Where I will wither away in glory.

The turning of Dr. Seuss in his grave !

Was writing another cheesy rhyme,
Just stopped short of committing the crime,
What is the purpose of writing a verse ?
When it does not make any sense or worse,
It exposes my idiocy, and proves that I am no good,
So I will delete this piece. Yes, I better should.
But, for a moment, let it see the light of the day,
The comments are open, have your say !

Dream On.....

When chips are down, the stakes are high,
When the heart that bleeds, the thoughts that cry,
The eyes are listless, the lips are dry,
When hope glows, doubts that sigh,
The If, the but, the how and the why,
Something says that its worth the try,
Its ok to fall when you dream for the sky.

Who am I ?

Who am I ?

The question that everyone wants answer of but I guess, very select few know the answer. Its the question that makes people go around the world and makes them do things that they feel will give them some iota of information about themselves.

Who am I ? I think therefore I am.

What I think ? I think myself to be a winner. I am a winner. I think I am a loser. I am a loser.

The mind plays trick on itself. Who is the mind trying to fool? Its playing games with itself and its fun. Let me join the fun.

Who am I ? I am the mind, and I am the body - the physical manifestation of the mind. Both complement each other.

Without the body, mind cannot see the effect of its trick and enjoy the show. Without the mind, its no show. And as the adage says, the show must go on and there is nothing like show business.

Who am I ? I am the show, I am the audience.

I am the joke and I am the joker. The world is a 24/7 live channel where everyone is playing a character, a character not of his own making but of his own willing.

This is madness, this is the world, this is life.

Who am i ? I am a mask of expression through which world expects me to show its own emotions.

I am the mirror where the world sees itself and sometimes laugh, sometimes cry, sometimes gets angry, or may be a little wild.

Who am I ? I am the best, I am the worst.

I form my own limits and rules which I try to break to achieve something and the same limit I don't want to cross at all cost so that I don’t destroy my creation.

Who am I ? I am the truth, I am the believer. I seek truth about my own existence, I believe somebody's vision about the existence of the world.

I am the day and the night, two sides of the same coin. The Yin and the Yang.

I am the statement and the contradiction.

I am the confusion and the clarity in the confusion.

Who am I ? The quest continues...